sue123's Cancer Blog
January 16, 2008
| needing help | Views: 2234 |
I wanted to talk about our friends that have good intentions in asking if we need them to help us. I have a many friends that always ask if they can do something for me. They really mean it and I am so apprecative, but most of the time even thought I am very fatigued I really do not need help with chores and all.
There is just my husband and I and he does whatever I cannot. And, I have a cleaning lady every 2 weeks that does the big things. Yes, of course after my surgeries I took all the help I could get, bacause I was not able to drive, pick up anything heavy etc. So anyone that offered to shop for me and do the things I couldnt at that time I excepted with many thanks.
I have about 1 1/2 – 2 hours a day that I feel pretty good so this is when I do what I need to get done. I take great pride in being able to still be able to do these things. After that I pretty much rest or do computer work.
My problem is that a couple of my friends actually get mad at me because I dont take them up on their offers of help. Also, they have asked me to go to lunch or out shopping. I do not mean to be rude and it isnt that I do not want to go out with them for a visit, but after I do what I need to do (I am a very independant person) I am too tired to go with them. I do not want to loose my friends becasue of this. Having cancer and being on treatment hampers us so much. Am I being a bad friend for what I am doing?
Also, sometimes I feel it is easier and makes sence to me to have my sister take me for Dr. apts. if needed and maybe we will stop for lunch on the way home and then when I tell these friends this they get mad or hurt. But, I am also very private with my health problems and I feel that them taking me would be such a downer….am I making any sence? Should my friends be mad at me for this? I am so confused…
08.16.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
Sue,
Just my two cents.
This comes up often on these boards and others. You know how when you do someone a favor or do something for someone how good you feel.
If you could think of just a little something someone could do for you, they feel like they are doing something. Keep a list of small things you need to get done that someone else could do.
Friends and family feel so powerless when someone they love is sick. They just want to do anything they can.
For example: if someone asks you to lunch and you don’t feel well enough, you could say I’m sorry I am not really up to lunch but if you want to do me a favor you could ….... Come over and do a load of laundry, run an errand etc…
They would probably feel like they are helping and that makes them feel good.
I am a very independent person too so I had a hard time with it. Even when I was at my worst after surgery.
My daughter kept asking. I finally asked her if she could come clean my house. I hadn’t been up to doing it for awhile and it was getting pretty dusty and dirty. She felt great she was helping me in some way and I felt better about having a clean house.
Hope this helps
Donna
Perhaps you could ask one over to lunch and have them bring a favorite sandwich or salad. That would take the pressure off you and allow you to catch up with each other over a nice gab.
Or perhaps you need some small thing from the drug store or grocery store, and could ask a friend to pick it up for you.
Try and let them help even if it is only a little. You don’t want to loose your friends due to the strain that cancer is putting on you.
Sue,
A very good friend gave me some great advice, let everyone help you whenever they can. I had a really difficult time letting people do things for me but when I finally relented it was wonderful. One of my favorite things was food. If people asked to do something, I told them a homemade casserole or dish that could be frozen and reheated was appreciated. I still have some in the freezer and I heat them up on off days.
Another great thing for friends to do is pick up dry cleaning, bring some groceries, run the vacuum, etc. I found that my friends and family wanted to be near without intruding. One of my cousins would periodically drop off homemade bread or pasta. It was wonderful.
Also, now that I am on the mend and done with my treatments, no one is offering to do anything. Take the help while you can.
Melissa
Thanks for the great advice girls! I see this in different light now…much appreciated! :-) Sue