sue123's Cancer Blog
December 3, 2007
| grieving.. | Views: 1421 |
Do you wake up grieving for your old self?
I woke up yesterday thinking how nice it would be to just wake up-jump out of bed—take a shower—eat breakfast—and go on my way, but instead I get up thinking about cancer—slowly getting on with my day after I take all my medications—slowly waking up—getting a bit of the nausea, some diarrhea—then the horrible fatigue. Haven’t even done anything yet and the fatigue kicks in. I grieve for my old healthy self….before lupus—before cancer…I grieve for the spunky self I used to be, enjoying every minute of it. I never really thought about feeling like this 24/7…I never thought about being sick. No-one can possibly imagine how it is to live like this, unless they are here with us. I put on a smile-I creep along-I try and feel good and not let others know the real feeling of grieving that is going on in my mind…
08.16.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
Grieving for your old self—what a great way to describe it. Although, I rarely wake up. I don’t sleep much at night. About once a week I get a few hours sleep. That is—I snooze off and wake up every hour. Without Turner Classic Movies to watch all night, I would just be up pacing the floor.
It is really hard not to focus on how wonderful it would be not to have to usually live in the cancer world. You never really get to go back. People that are considered cured—do they get to go back? No, I imagine that it’s always in the back of your mind—has it come back? For those lucky ones who gain the title of CURED, I imagine that life gets easier but that it’s never the same as before CANCER. I hate cancer!
Well put.
Those of us that are Cancer Free do still thing about what the future will bring. Living each day as if it were just another day,
Love Sherri
Sue – I can’t remember life as it was before cancer. I am told that my cancer is GONE but, is there such a thing as CURED in the cancer world? I think the best term to use is “remission.” I wake up (from sleep that is almost non-existent) thinking about cancer and go to bed thinking about cancer. I met with my oncologist the other day to go over some x-rays of my chest area (thought the cancer had spread to my lungs). He said my feelings are normal. So… even in my stage (Stage 2) of breast cancer, it’s still an emotional roller coaster. I can’t even imagine what you are going through Sue. I hope you begin feeling better and start to gain more energy. Take care and God Bless.
You hit the nail right on the nose with this blog. I use all my energy just to get through work everyday and there is none left for the extra things I used love doing. I even hate figuring out what to eat for dinner. I do get what your saying….
cheryl
Yep. I miss my old self. Don’t get me wrong there are a lot of positive things that have come my way since cancer, but so many things i miss. One, I miss being able to just go, go, go. Now I get so overwhelmed so easily. The littlest things happen and I need to shut down and take a break. It is like I don’t have the mental stamina anymore.
Oh Dear Ladies and Soul Mates!
Each one of your comments touched me personally. I have thought them all. I am sick and tired, tired and sick of my life now. People say they admire me for my positive attitude…but I am faking it, only because no one wants to be around someone who is chronically depressed. Just today as I was pushing a cart around Costco doing some Christmas shopping I looked around at all of the other shoppers wondering how many were dying, and knew about it. I looked at the adorable baby items especially the books (I am a Reading Teacher, at least I was before the big C hit)and I became deeply saddened. I can’t stop thinking that I won’t be around for my daughter’s wedding someday, or her babies. My son’s either. No Sue and eveyone else, I NEVER stop thinking about it. I too want to go to sleep or wake up with my mind on something else. I wish to return to the days when my joy and happiness was deep and sincere. Days when I laughed down to my toes, and felt the pleasure 100%. Yes I grieve, constantly. I try not to fear the future, but I know it is creeping closer every day. Love and prayers to all of us. I do envy those of you who are “in remission” to me that would be a miracle.
Gaile
Hi there,
It does not matter what stage 0-4. We all get to the point that we can’t remember not having Cancer.
Some times I feel the need to help and support every
one who has had or will have Cancer some day. This is my passion.
So if I don’t post for a while, I am taking care of me.
Sorry I did get off the subject.
I will be back after the first of the year.
Love to all,
Sherri